Late ramblings...

Things I want to learn (and SOON):
Crochet
Knitting
Polymer clay pendents
mosaics
jewelry making (I have all of the stuff thanks to family and Christmas gifts from friends)

Things I NEED to take care of (immediately):
Get a second job
name change at work (although I've faxed in all my documentation of my name change...it still hasn't been processed and I need to follow-up)


I am trying to work around my situation and not let myself get wrapped up in it. I don't want to lose who I've become because of this. This lack of money. This lack of opportunity at a seemingly great job (no full time and no way to be promoted). To be able to get a second job and stop worrying myself to death about bills, building a savings account, starting a retirement plan, and looking for our first house would be an amazing burden lifted from my shoulders.

If only I could make money from my crafts...sell them and get enough from selling them that I can save enough money so that we can have a child. I want to have a baby. I know I'm still really young but I KNOW we are ready mentally. We are not however financially stable enough for that.

My husband is trying so hard to keep me positive. He knows me so well and knows how I used to react to stress. I used to be very self-destructive when I was a little younger. Self-harming and making bad decisions. I am not that person anymore. I would become ill if I looked at myself in the mirror and SAW that person again. Its not something I am willing to do. So any and everything I can do to remain positive is only a good thing for me. He keeps my mind off of money. He knows I LOVE to go with him...driving around town looking for abandoned buildings and looking for great photo opportunities for him to shoot. He does photography free lance but he is a Dudley Do Right and refuses to get too close to buildings afraid we will get arrested for trespassing. I love going with him and finding a great place (dilapidated and run down and old and BEAUTIFUL) and I love telling him...."Lets go in! Come on whats the worst that can happen? A cop pulls up and sees a young couple taking photos of a gorgeous old mansion? He tells us to leave and we apologize and we go but at least until he pulls up you are getting GREAT shots of this place" I love the look on his face. That look like "I love this wild and crazy girl. This girl is my best friend." I feel like because I am encouraging him to pursue his dream of photography I am in turn helping myself to let go of silly things that get me all bottled up. Just walking around on a beautiful day listening to his camera click and click and click and taking in all of my surroundings. An old barn wide open (no signs posted about trespassing) walk in and see birds and hay and old equipment. While he is working I am imagining what life was like for people who USED that space before it became what it is today. Men who worked that equipment daily to bring home money to their family. Women who came in to feed the animals that were kept there overnight. Children who ran around that barn playing tag.

Thinking about that makes me feel good. Makes me feel connected to that town.

We drove to two different towns today and visited an old brick store that unfortunately was all closed up but I was able to look through the window and take in the really rich looking old bar and tables and chairs. Great sturdy wooden furniture. We also visited an abandoned fertilizer plant that was just in ruins. There was a train track behind it and I walked down it while Charles was taking picture after picture of any and everything he could capture...I wondered how many trains traveled that track...what they were transporting...what life is like to travel on a train day in a day out for a living.


The day out today was really great. Its free fun and we only had ONE police officer stop and run Charles' tag while we were walking around and we asked if there was a problem he said no and told us to have a great day. It was a successful day and Charles got some really great photos. Images that I hope he can sell as fine art prints. Images that I hope makes him feel good about himself because I am so proud of him. I'm so proud of what we are together.

Today was a good day. No breakdowns. No fits of rage about anything. Tonight I will not lay awake thinking of all the things that are wrong in my life. Maybe tonight I will sleep soundly.

-Shay-

Everytime I turn around...

Every time I turn around...I find another thing that disappoints me. I hate this!!! I find myself finding more things that annoy me than things that inspire and motivate me. I am 21!!!! TWENTY FRIGGIN' ONE!!! W.T.F. is wrong with me? My mom tells me its because I have low iron and I'm anemic and I need to take better care of myself instead of thinking about other things.

She is so right. I need to get a second job so I can stop being so stressed about money. I need to get back on my exercise schedule...stick to it and take all of my vitamins (EVERYDAY!). I need to start making lists. I used to make lists allllll the time.

Lists like: what I am grateful for, What I love about myself, What I could improve about myself and then make a plan so I can improve my faults, What I love about my husband and our life together, What I love about my current job.

Just something on a piece of paper that solidifies my desire to appreciate life more. Shit maybe I'll start my list RIGHT NOW!

LIST no. ONE:
What I love about myself:
1. I wear my heart on my sleeve. That is NOT a bad thing!
2. I'm compassionate. I empathize.
3. I give advice when asked and I always tell the person that I'm advising exactly what I think! no sugarcoating. No games.
4. I don't play mind games well. I don't like mind games. But I am a fast learner, so if that's the game ANYONE wants to play I'd be a great opponent.
5. I try to help myself before I ask for help.
6. If I get hurt (especially by someone I love with all of my heart) I am quick to say "bye" but also quick to drop my grudge if I feel like the person SERIOUSLY wants to be a better person or wants to apologize for how they've wronged me.
7. If I am upset I have a pity party and then I try to get over it or find a way to move past whatever it is that is getting to me. (like now!)
8. I love my mom...and my family...and my mother in law and sister in law...and the fact that these people in my life makes me feel like I can do WHATEVER I want to do!
9. I'm goal oriented.
10. I'm a giver, not a taker.
11. My mom raised me to be polite but not some one that can be walked all over.

WHEW

I already feel a little better!



No quote or horoscope or recipe tonight! just positive thoughts.

-Shalenna-